{Still}

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I had to call our health insurance to confirm some bills the other day.

As I sat there reviewing the dates of service with the man on the phone, my eyes skimmed their descriptions.

They were all for the two babies we lost.

These three bills were filled with a story of loss and I realized that it still hurts.

I choked out a goodbye to the man on the phone and tried to take a deep breath.

After all, we still want another baby.

I am fearful.  I am fearful because I do not know what God’s will is.  Does he want this next baby to make it to our arms?  I don’t know.  Does he want me to get pregnant?  I don’t know.

I am also fearful of my fear.  Fearful of what it will be like if I am able to get pregnant again.  Will I be full of anxiety the first fifteen weeks?  Will I be terrified every time I have to use the bathroom.  Will I be worried about everything I eat and do and feel?

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Ultimately, I trust God’s plan.  It’s the not knowing that is difficult for me.  If I could just know now that all will be well or that we would lose another one, it would be so much simpler.  I could prepare my heart.  I could rejoice or sorrow.

But, I don’t know.  So, I am taking it moment by moment.  Giving each thought and fear to God as it arises.  It is not easy, but really what else is there to do?  I am so thankful that God is in control and not me.  I am so thankful that the survival of any future babies does not depend on me, but on my Lord.

Because, truth be told, it still hurts.

But, you know.  The longer He makes me wait, the more patient I become.  Oh, the tears still come and every now and then I break down and hubby has to soothe my tears.  But, there are lessons in the waiting.  I am growing closer to God through this trial.  I am learning so much and I hope I will take this lessons to heart and that they will change me for the better.

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This verse really spoke to me the other day and if you are waiting and wondering like me, I hope it will be an encouragement to you as well:

 

psalm

 

 

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